For most of my life I felt that I just landed in situations, jobs, places without making conscious choices, without being awake. It just kind of happened. And for most of my life I experienced either deep depression or a mild sense of dis-ease with where I was. It was as if I was asleep.
It took something fairly radical to change this. In 1988 I was told I had chronic fatigue. I had collapsed and could not get up. I took some rest but did not really pay much attention and soon went straight back to living the same way. 5 years later the fatigue was much worse and I could only walk for 5 minutes at a time.
This time I had to pay attention.
What did I need to change? I was critical of myself, judgmental of others, angry without being able to express it in an adult way, trying to do everything perfectly and living in fear of getting anything wrong.
I was searching constantly for others to tell me that I was OK. And when I could not find that I sought other things to fill the void (food, sex, shopping, drugs, alcohol, fantasy, worry)
I did not feel as if I was enough.
All the wonderful parts of me (that I could not see then) were hidden behind beliefs that I carried about myself (not enough, there must be something wrong with me).
As I paid more attention I was able to rediscover my potential.
The photograph on the home page represents my experience of my life and how I see my coaching.
There are dark shadows at the front and then light, airy open spaces with beautiful, vibrant colourful trees hidden behind.
The photograph did not fit to the page so we decided to flip it over. The join creates a light and what appeared to me to be an invitation to walk into the arch created by the trees. My experience of life has been like this. There have been invitations to walk through different doorways, some of which I walked through and others I did not.
I have not always made the right choices. I was not able to tune in to my deepest wisdom and I ignored physical and emotional signs.
I did not know how to pay attention the vibrant, colourful and beautiful parts of myself.
Now I can look beyond the parts that seem to have dominated my life: fear, judgment, self-criticism and shame.
I experience a sense of rightness about what I do now.